Spiritual Growth

Congratulations. You've made it to the final section of my resolutions: spiritual goals.

#1. I have tried multiple ways to be more intentional about prayer over the years. Some that I have liked more than others. This year I've decided to create a prayer board- a visual representation so that I can quickly see prayer requests. And also so I can easily see prayers that have been answered throughout the year. I think this will be a good one.

#2. I used to be really good at memorization. Not just scripture- memorization in general. I think it was because of my impeccable acting skills. ("We wear the mask that grins and lies...") But I haven't had to challenge myself to memorize anything recently and I have been slacking on scripture memory the past few years too. I want need to get better. Better at hiding His Word in my heart. This is the year.

#3. This is a hard one to talk about. Maybe that's why I saved it for last. And why I haven't brought it up here before, but here it goes...

I left my church. It was a hard decision and I prayed about it for over a year. But something was missing. I feel like I need to stop here and give a disclaimer. This is only my opinion and my experience. I know that there are a lot of people that love this church and that it is a great fit for many people. I don't want my opinions and my reasons to come across as negatives about the church as a whole. This is just my experience. Okay, now that I have said my disclaimer, I can continue.

As I said, something was missing. I needed community. I felt like I could go to church on Sunday morning, sit in the back, listen to the message, and leave without talking to anyone. I needed more than that. The sermons were good. They were great. But I can get sermons on a podcast. In the comfort of my own house. I needed more than that from church. I wanted a home and a family.

I talked to a few friends about it. They seemed skeptical. They asked questions and asked why. I told them what I was looking for and then I said something that I didn't even know I had been thinking until it came out of my mouth. I said, " If I were married or in a relationship, I would have left a long time ago." And that's when it hit me. The reason I was staying was because I didn't want to venture out and visit places on my own. Isn't it ironic? The same reason that I wanted to leave was the thing that was keeping me there. After I verbalized that, there was no getting around it. It was time to leave.

So I did. And life went on- unchanged. I didn't hear from anyone. It took about 4 and a half months before someone from my small group sent me a message that they hadn't seen me in a while. (In comparison, it took about a month and a half before I got a message from a trainer that hadn't seen me at the gym...) It was sad. To be honest, my pride was hurt a little bit. But it was also the conformation that I needed to be certain that I had done the right thing. If people had reached out to me early on, I think it would have been easy to ignore the negatives and go back. But no one did. I felt secure in my decision to leave. I also think that I was a little burnt out and frustrated so I took a break- that turned into a longer break than I had planned. I'm ready to get back though and I'm hoping that this year I will find a true church family.