Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Hiatus and Excuses

I didn't forget about this. Okay, I kind of did. But now I'm back. And I want to get better about posting things. I think part of the reason why I have been slacking is because I started recording voice memos in January and it helps me to process my thoughts and get them out on paper so I haven't felt the need to word vomit to the whole Internet.

But I'm back. Let the word vomit begin. Speaking of, I almost got thrown up on today. I had to jump out of the way as a patient leaned over the bed and projectile vomited. But that's beside the point...

There's a lot running through my head. I have a bunch of old drafts saved that I need to edit and publish but I also feel like there are a lot of things going on right now that I can write about. So if this seems random and all over the place for the next few weeks or months, it's because it is a mixture of things that have happened months ago and things that are going on in my life right now. Although, it may seem to flow better than I think because I feel like my life is one big giant circle. I just keep going around and facing the same situations. A real-life Groundhog Day. One big déjà vu after another.

#MyLifeOnRepeat. If I were ever going to write a memoir that might be the title...

Saturday, April 19, 2014


Stuck in time
Everyone is moving through life
Sinking in quicksand

There's two people
Recognize both
One knows
Other trying to fight the urge

Constant struggle
Internal battle
Daily fight
Who will win?

Know the truth
Hanging out tightly
But the lies are getting louder...

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


Just a little background music while you read...

I have started recording voice memos. Mostly while I'm driving, because that is when my mind races the most. And when it's not super awkward to talk to myself... I'm hoping that this will help me 1. be able to process things better if I can just get everything out and 2. be able to open up to people more if I get used to just saying whatever I think.

I am going back and listening to the messages and writing everything out. I have already filled up one journal and am well on the way through the second. Whew! I think a lot. I'm hoping it will be good though... We'll see.

There's a lot more that I could write about this topic. I have plenty of voices in my head, but I'm not going to. Use your imagination. Or don't. Whatever.

My OCD's conking me in the head.
Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking.
I'm just relaying what the voice in my head's saying.
Don't shoot the messenger...
Maybe I need a straightjacket.
Face facts, I'm nuts for real, but I'm okay with that.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

What's the Opposite of ADD?

I do NOT have ADD. Actually, I didn't 100% believe that it was a real diagnosis for a long time. Until I got to college. And my freshman roommate had ADHD. She was a ball of energy 24/7! She to walk to class and forget in the middle of pocket where she was going. She just wouldn't go to class. Sometime she would put on her makeup–she would put mascara on when eye and then get distracted and start doing something else and I would have to gently guide her back to the mirror to finish getting ready. And then I totally believed that people could have ADD!

But that was never a problem for me. In fact, probably just the opposite. As a child, you could often find me engrossed in a task. So singly minded and one track focused that it was hard to drag me away from whatever task I was doing.

Multitasking, however, is an entirely different animal! I can multitask with the best of them! Right now, I am alternating between 7 different tasks. I have a timer set for nine minutes and I switch tasks each nine minutes until all of them have been accomplished. I don't know why I feel the need to do this but for some reason it makes me feel like I'm getting more accomplished.

I also just added a dictation app to my computer so I can just talk and it will type exactly what I'm saying. I don't know if this will save me anytime, but it definitely makes typing a lot more fun! So maybe I'll actually get better at this whole blogging thing... No guarantees though.

Saturday, February 1, 2014


I'm an enigma. I love New Year's resolutions and a good to-do list, but I'm not a stickler about them like people seem to think I am. I want to run 500 miles this year. I'm behind. And it's okay. I know that I'm only 4 weeks in and there is still time to catch up but if I don't that's okay too. The point is to get active. To push myself to run more. And so if I run more miles this year than I did last year, I'll count it a success. (Although I do really want to get in 500 miles...) But I also want to run another half this year and if I actually sign up for one and train for it then I should make up for those missed miles in no time!

I also wanted to blog twice a week. Which already hasn't happened. Work has been crazy and I did not plan ahead. But the real goal is to blog more. To make it a habit. There are so many times that I wish I was better about getting my thoughts into words. Or have the memories to look back on. So again, the plan is to blog more this year than last year. Which shouldn't be hard because I kinda sucked it up last year. I am also trying to journal more. Which I am totally winning at so far thanks to voice memos. (I promise that I'm going to write about them more soon. Maybe this week...)

I already wrote about how I'm totally overachieving on the whole "read a book a month" resolution. I have already read 3 1/2 books this month. And I'm right on track for my financial goals, except that I just found out some terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news about my tax refund this year. Trying to find out if it's really true. Hoping that it's not! Good thing I did not put it into the budget.

New Year's resolution-wise, 2014 has been a pretty good year. I am on track on 4 of my resolutions and ahead on 2 of them. But there are 3 that I need to do and I'm behind on 4. There's still plenty of time though! Aside from resolutions, 2014 has started off pretty bad. (That's me being optimistic. And censoring myself...) And it's only been one month. I'm ready for the bumpy ride train wreck that will be February. I've known this was coming for 7 months and in some ways, I'm still totally unprepared. The rest of the year can only be better though... right?

Friday, January 31, 2014


Apparently that's the name of the Winter Storm... Leon. And he's the reason why I'm not in Florida right now. Let me tell you, he's no king! But let me just tell you, I handled it pretty well. Put that on the list as number 862 of why you should wife me up in a hurry. I don't sweat the small stuff. The tiny, minuscule, imaginary stuff? That stuff I'll think about until it drives me insane. But the small stuff, I let that roll of my shoulders.

My car, before I left Memphis

I left the house on Tuesday morning. There was a little snow on my car when I left and I didn't think anything about it. Actually I thought that I was glad to be going south to get away from some of the cold. (How little I knew...) The drive was pretty uneventful. I listened to the radio and some podcasts. Was having a pretty good drive. It was snowing a little bit when I was driving through Tupelo. I thought it looked pretty but it was really light and wasn't sticking. Still not thinking anything about it.

11:41 am. So young. So naive...

Then I turned off of 78. They are still working on Highway 78 so there is a stretch of 12 miles between the main 78 and I-65. 12 miles. As I get off, the snow is starting to pick up and I heard that it was worse further south. Someone said something about sleet and freezing snow in Montgomery so I'm trying to decide what to do. At this point, I'm thinking to myself that worse case scenario I'll drive to Samford, crash on the couch at the sorority house and finish the drive the next day. I turn on the radio to listen for weather updates and it sounds like it's getting pretty bad. I'm probably cruising at about 10 mph at this time. So I call my dad to get his opinion. He thinks I should stay in Birmingham too. I'm not super excited about it, but it could be a fun snow day on campus and then I'd get to the beach a little later than planned. Hours pass. I'm still driving. 12 miles. Listening to the radio sounds like 65 is even worse. There's no way I'm going to make it to Samford- at least not anytime soon. Now I'm just laughing about it. There's nothing else I can do. I can't control the weather and I'm not moving at all. So I laugh. And listen to music. And have a dance party in my car. Then I call a friend that I went to school with. We try and brainstorm all the people that are still in Birmingham and where they live- if I can get to anyone's house. We can't think of anyone that's close enough and I'm ready to be out of the car. She looks up a hotel for me that she says is 2 miles away and texts me the number. I call and ask if they have any rooms. They do. (I don't really know why I even asked. If they didn't I would have told him to just lay out a sleeping bag in the lobby.) He asks how far away I am. I told him 2 miles and that I could be there in 10 minutes or an hour. Either one. He said he understood and that he would see me when I got there.

This was taken at noon. When I first turned off 78. I didn't get to the hotel until after 3:30.

Then I get a call from the rental agency in Seaside. They asked when I was planning to get there. (I was waiting until I got to the hotel to call.) I told them that I couldn't make it and that I would try the next day. They said that was fine. They told me that they were actually closing the office early because of the weather.

I made it to the hotel 3 1/2 hours after I turned off of 78. 12 miles. I check in and go to my room. Call my parents and let them know that I'm alright. I had planned to be reading a book with a glass of wine in a hot tub in Seaside. Instead I was reading a book with a beer at a Days Inn in Birmingham. Seriously, all I could do is laugh.

A little later. Just sitting...

My parents were concerned about me, naturally. I assured them that I was fine. I had granola bars, chocolate chip muffins (thanks Christy!), beer, whiskey, and creamer for my coffee the next morning. I also had plenty of books and my computer to watch Netflix on before bed.

Wednesday morning I turned on the news. There were stories of kids that spent the night at school because there parents couldn't get to them. Stories of people that were still trying to get home from work- 16 hours later. Stories of people that slept in their cars or in whatever store they happened to be closest to. Stories of women that gave birth at home or in their car. Stories of people that opened up their homes to whomever was driving by. Stories of people passing out coffee and food- putting down sand and cat litter. Stories of nurses that stayed at work for 60 hours until they could get home and someone could get to them to relieve them...

And then there was the weather. It was currently 9. The high was 22. Nothing was melting or going anywhere. I-65 was still a parking lot from people that were still trying to get home from the day before and I knew that the beach was not going to happen that day either. I had to make an executive decision. Did I stay in Birmingham another day and drive to Seaside on Thursday? Could I get out of Birmingham and go north and make it back to Memphis? Or was I stranded for another day no matter what? I asked for a late checkout so that I would have more time to decide (and give the sun more time to work it's magic.) I hung out in the hotel lobby for a while talking to the other travelers. Where had they come from? Where were they trying to go? Then a man walked in trying to check in. I asked where he had come from and he said Tupelo. I asked how the streets were and he said that once I got through the 12 miles of old 78, everything was fine. So I decided to come home. I called the rental agency and told them that I wasn't coming. The man at the front desk said that he would have one of the managers call me (they hadn't come into work that day because of the storm...) Then I packed up my car, filled up my tank the rest of the way, and headed home.

I laughed about it on the drive back and thanked God! If I had been 30 minutes ahead of where I was, I would have already been on I-65 and would probably have spent the night in my car with so many other people. If I had been 30 minutes behind, the Days Inn would have been full and I would have been stranded. While I was driving, I saw cars that had slid off the road and hit trees. I saw a couple cars (in different spots) that were flipped over in the median. God definitely protected me on the trip!

I made it back to Memphis safely. The man was right. Once I got passed the 12 miles, it was open road. I drove straight to my parents' house. I took a long bath and then curled up on their chaise lounge with a book, a blanket, and a glass of wine. My mom even asked if I wanted her to turn on the sound machine to "Ocean" so I could pretend like I was at the beach.

The next day, I got a massage so I could pretend like I was still on vacation. At the end, the guy told me that he could have spent the entire hour on just my upper back and shoulders.  Yeah, I can already feel myself tensing up again... So this week was an adventure, to say the least. But honestly, my goal was to get away and relax. My prayer was that it would be a time of introspection and not just a distraction from life and I can say that this week has turned into that 100%. I guess ultimately, it was a success.

* I'm still waiting on the manager to call me back. I'm hoping they can just transfer my reservation to another week. Like next week. Or maybe the end of February. I might need the relaxation even more then anyway. But as a friend keeps reminding me, February is the shortest month... 

Monday, January 27, 2014


I love my job. Seriously. It is one of the only reasons why I am still in Memphis. But it's hard. Working 70-80 hours a week is exhausting. Going at least 5, sometimes 7, days without seeing the sun is miserable.

But there are some positives about it too. I get 7 days off every other week. I never have to use vacation days. I can make appointments without taking off work. I can go to the grocery store at random times through the week and get to avoid traffic most of the time. I mean, I'm going to the beach tomorrow just because...

Having 7 days off at a time isn't all fun and games though. 7 days of down time is a lot of time for my mind to wander. and overthink. But don't worry. I'm working on it. I have another post in the works called #voicesinmyhead and I think it will be a good one...

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Pinterest Keeps Reminding Me...

Of my OCD. So, I'm going through and organizing/relabeling all my pins on pinterest. Yes, all 3,500 of them. But I only have 591 to go! But back in the early days of Pinterest, I had a "house" board and so there were captions like "I love this kitchen!" Then I stepped up my Pinterest game and started an individual board for every room (and 13 for wedding planning). Having 150 pins labeled "great kitchen" were no longer helpful and I couldn't search for anything when I was looking for a specific pin. I decided to reogranize everything. I just do a few each day so it doesn't seem like a daunting task. Also, I really like doing it. Because I'm OCD like that and organizing makes me happy...

Here are some of the things that I have learned about myself by doing this:

>  I'm a little bit OCD. Oh wait, I already knew that!

>  I want to get married in a warehouse and live in a barn. Or maybe vice versa.

>  I love wood beams and exposed brick.

>  I love fresh flowers in every room.

>  I pinned Bianca by Anna Maier 3 times, Dahlia by Amsale 4 times, and the same Jim Hjelm dress 3 times. I must really like them.

>  A chandelier is appropriate for every room- including kitchen, dining room, bedroom, bathroom, laundry room, and nursery.

>  Natural light wins every time.

>  I love a good monochromatic room. Especially if it's all white. Or a dramatic gray.

I couldn't fit all my boards in a screen shot, obvi.

Anyone else like organizing as much as me? What have you been pinning lately?

Sunday, January 19, 2014

TED Talks

I love TED Talks. I subscribe to the TED talks health podcast. They are short (15-20 minutes) and cover all sorts of interesting health topics. I have a few favorites and have even taken notes on some of them. I wanted a central place to store the notes so I'm putting him here.

Disclaimer: Don't read too much into this. I was a psych major. The brain fascinates me...

+ Voices were a meaningful response to traumatic life events- particularly childhood events. And as such, were not my enemies but a source of insight into solvable emotional problems.

+ Each voice was closely related to aspects of myself. And that each of them carried overwhelming emotions that I'd never had the opportunity to process or resolve. Memories of sexual trauma and abuse. Of anger, shame, guilt, low self worth. The voices took the place of this pain and gave words to it.

+ The important question in psychology shouldn't be "what's wrong with you?" but "what's happened to you?"

+ Don't tell me what other people have told you about yourself. Tell me about you.

+ The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality.

+ Depression was something that was braided so deep into us that there was no separating it from our character and personality.

+ Three things that people tend to confuse: depression, grief, and sadness. Grief is explicitly reactive.

+ Depression is a slower way of being dead.

+ The truth is full of lies.

+ Shutting out depression strengthens it. While you hide, it grows.

+ If you told me that I’d have to be depressed for the next month, I would say as long as I know it will be over in November, I can do it. But if you said to me “you have to have acute anxiety for the next month” I would rather slit my wrists than go through it. It was the feeling all the time like that feeling you have if you’re walking and you slip or trip and the ground is rushing up at you but instead of lasting half a second like the way that does, it lasted for 6 months. It’s a sensation of being afraid all the time but not even knowing what it is that you’re afraid of.

+ Hunger and energy are controlled by the brain.

+ Your brain has its own sense of what you should weigh. No matter what you consciously believe. It's called your "set point."

+ Hypothalamus acts as a thermostat

+ People who have lost 10% of their body weight burn 250-400 calories less because their metabolism is suppressed.

+ Set points can go up, but they very rarely go down.

+ Intuitive eaters are less likely to be overweight and they spend less time thinking about food. Controlled eaters are more vulnerable to overeating in response to advertising, super-sizing, and the all-you-can-eat buffet.

+ Girls who have dieted in their early teenage years are 3x more likely to become overweight 5 years later. Even if they started at a normal weight.

+ Diets may seem harmless, but they actually do a lot of collateral damage. At worst, they ruin lives. Weight obsession leads to eating disorders, especially in young kids.

+ In the US, 80% of 10-year old girls say they have been on a diet. Our daughters have learned to measure their worth by the wrong scale.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Judge a Book by its Cover

Everyone always says, "Don't judge a book by its cover" but that is precisely what I do. One of my New Year's resolutions is to read one book every month. At the beginning of the month, I made the trek out to the Collierville library (my parents address is still on my license so I have to go to Collierville, blah!) My method for choosing books? I walk up and down the aisles and judge books 100% by their cover. If they look interesting, I get them. I limited myself to 5 this time, but wrote down a whole list of others that look good for next time.

Well, I said one book a month. It's the 15th and I'm starting my 3rd book today. I forgot how much I love to get lost in a good book! It's so refreshing!

I decided to start with a light read. I have read some Jane Green books before and they are usually fluff, beach reads about nothing of importance. Just a good escape. Exactly what I needed. So I started with this one. It's about a mother with young children that is diagnosed with leptomeningeal carcinomatosis (essentially a brain tumor). I found myself tearing up multiple times. Granted, it is not some philosophical tome, but it's also not quite the light and fluffy book I was planning on. It was a good one though. I would recommend it.

After that, I decided to read this one. It's super short- about a hundred pages. I read it in a little over an hour. And found myself tearing up again. (Although, I am more emotional than the average person so this isn't too much of a surprise.) This one is about a woman who meets Jesus on an airplane. Short and sweet, but demonstrates how much Jesus loves us. Sweet story!

This is the next one on the list. It's by the same guy that wrote A Prayer for Owen Meany, which was a great book so I thought "Why not?!" Again, I have no real system for how I choose books to read, but so far I have picked some good ones. 

What have you been reading? Any good recommendations?

Friday, January 3, 2014


Two posts in a row. That must be some sort of record for me. This one will be quick though because I have 897,546 things to do before I go back to work on Monday... approximately. I'm having dinner with friends tonight. And the conversations have played in my head hundreds of time (because that's what I do), but I'm still getting nervous about it. Oy vey! Sara might be my motivation a lot this year...

Thursday, January 2, 2014


Hey, remember me? I have kind of slacked on this whole blogging thing and I always say that I will try and post more and then I don't. So this year I'm not making any promises. It will probably be just as random and sporadic as usual.

Let me just tell you how my year has started. Yesterday, I stayed in my pajamas all day. I took an hour and half long bath (yes, I had to drain some of the water and refill it with hot water multiple times). Spilled water all over my computer. And set off the smoke alarm in the house... twice! #KeepItClassy2014

But I love New Year's! It might be my second favorite holiday (right after St. Patrick's Day, of course). Not New Year's Eve- not the random party where everyone dresses up and pretends like something magical is going to happen at the stroke of midnight. This isn't Cinderella! No, I love the actual new year. New beginnings. And most of all new year's resolutions! It's like one time of year everyone recognizes my superior way of thinking and jumps on the list-making bandwagon with me.

Side note: I bought a new computer today. Mine has been on it's way out for a long time now. It all started when I spilled water on it- about 2 years ago. Since then, the backspace button didn't work. So I just McGuyver'd it for 2 years. Then, it wouldn't work unless it was plugged in (so much for a laptop) and then the fan started sounding like an airplane about to take off. But it was still kicking and I didn't want to spend the money, so I pushed through. Yesterday, I spilled water on it again and then the arrow keys weren't working. I finally gave up and took the plunge. When I went to the store today, the salesman asked me what I used the computer for. Then he started to list options: games, photos, music, video streaming...? I looked at him, 100% serious, and said "I just need my excel spreadsheets for my to do lists!"

But now my new computer is up and running (still trying to come up with a name for her...) and my to do list is ready to go. So, new years resolutions... I like to switch it up some. A couple of years, I had a general theme for the year. Some years I have had a general word for the year. A few years I had the same number of resolutions as the year. This year, I decided to split my resolutions up into 5 general categories: spiritual, social, mental, physical, and financial. Each category has 2 or 3 specific resolutions. I wanted them to be attainable, but not easy. Don't worry, I have a spreadsheet with all of them listed. And then broken down into weekly subgoals. So basically, my new year's resolutions consist of 12 goals that I can update each week with my progress.

I'm not going to list them all here (for various reasons) but a few are: run 500 miles (knocked out 4 this afternoon), read at least 1 book a month (went to the library today. Checked out 5 books...), and put more money in savings ($1 this week, $2 next week, etc.)

So that's what I have. What are some of your resolutions for 2014?