Monday, October 29, 2012

Do Over

I cried on the way home today. Tears streamed down my face.

Okay, not really at all. ;) I kinda drove home with a cheesy perma-grin but apparently all my posts start out with me being sad and crying (actually, only 2 out of the last 5 have talked about me driving home thinking about things)

Anyway, yesterday was rough. Contrary to popular belief, the relationship is not always peaches and ice cream. As much as I wish it were sometimes. But we had some prayer and regrouping last night. And this morning when he got off work, he called and asked for a do-over. (which may or may not have been an excuse to eat breakfast at republic 2 days in a row) but we went to breakfast again this morning for a redo. And it was wonderful! We read from Luke and talked about worship and John the Baptist and being filled with the Spirit. And just generally got to start things again after a rocky start yesterday.

Sometimes, you just need a do-over. That's all I got. Time for a little #DTR!
Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-24

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


The word get thrown around a lot. But what does it really mean? Last night he asked me if I was transparent with him. And after thinking about it, I told him that I honestly didn't feel like I was 100% transparent with anyone.

Rachel and I talked about this and about emotional intimacy in relationships. And she gave me great advice: "Don't let your words get ahead of your commitment." And it was really good to hear, but I also think that I use it as an excuse sometimes. I tell myself and others that I'm trying to "protect my heart" and withhold a level of intimacy until the right time. But really I'm just hiding. Hiding behind the mask of strength and togetherness. I realized it last night the more we talked. Then I opened up about my worries and fears about the future. And his response was better than I could have ever imagined.

But driving home it made me sad. I realized that I hadn't shared those fears with anyone else. I could tell the whole story to someone but it wouldn't be the same. No one had known the fears before and so there was no one that could rejoice with me over his reaction.

Hiding keeps people from seeing the pain, but it also stops them from celebrating the joys...

Friday, October 19, 2012

Running on Empty

Because I don't have enough time to form a complete thought...

>> I have never been a people-pleaser. Ever. But now I am finding myself having a hard time saying no. And I guess it's not because I want to please people, but because I genuinely want to do all these things. But it's getting to me and I feel as if I'm running on empty. All. The. Time. Something has to change.

>> Example: Last week, I worked Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Sometimes I like working three in a row but it's also tiring. Then Friday night, I hung out with friends. Because I wanted to. And it was a lot of fun although I probably should have been sleeping. Saturday, I cleaned and ran (which I hadn't done in a while, but was some nice "me time") And then I went to the next house to clean all over again and run some errands. Sunday my whole family was in town so we went to church together and then back to my parents' house for lunch and to hang out. That was also a lot of fun. I'm not complaining that what I'm doing isn't fun. It's just exhausting! Then this week I worked Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Thursday morning I woke up at 4 to go to the grocery store (you would be surprised how empty Kroger is at that time of day). Then I came home, got dressed, packed, and went to growth group at 5:30. I left growth group and drove straight to Nashville to babysit my nieces for the day. I love them. They are adorable and funny. But I really just wanted to be sleeping for an entire day or so. So Thursday night I finally got in bed and then... insomnia. Yep. I think I woke up at 12, 1:30, 3:20, 5, 6:40, and then finally got out of bed at 7:45. My sister took the big one to a parent-teacher conference and I stayed with the little one. Then my sister and I went to the gym, I had lunch with a friend, and then I got on the road to drive back home. It was a busy 24 hours!
Then the plan was come home, unpack, go to downline conference, sleep, downline conference, supervise moving day, hang out with friends, sleep, church, volunteer with Fellowship kids, try to organize my life, sleep, work Monday, bible study Monday night. And then Monday night around 10, I can finally find time to breath! Whew! I'm exhausted just writing it all out!

>> I have a wonderful boyfriend who reminds me to breathe. And encourages me not to wear myself out. AKA say no to things. Which means that when I called him to tell him that I wasn't coming over tonight because I was tired and that I didn't think that I was going to go to the conference either, he showed up at my doorstep to see me- for approximately an hour before he had to go home and go to bed.

>> Tonight, I told him that I knew his schedule was crazy right now but that, in November, I wanted us to go on a real date. He (after laughing at me for a little while) said that it would be just as busy then, but that we could go on a date when his schedule changed. So... we have a date planned for January! And yes, I am creepily excited about that even though it's months away.

>> I'm awake right now and writing this post at all because insomnia makes me want to cuss. But give it a day where I have nothing to do (if that ever happens) and I'll be out like a light and sleep through the night. I didn't mean to rhyme. Being tired and not being able to sleep sucks! But I will say that the insomnia has gotten better. I have less sleepless nights so that's a blessing!
>> So on a totally random, not exhaustion related note, sometimes I want to carry around Emily Post's books andhand them out to people. I don't think some people really understand etiquette.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Random Musings

>> Sometimes I like to pretend like I'm not an introvert. I am. I can make it about 24 hours in a group of people before I reach my limit and need some space and some me time.

>> I've talked about this before, but I really like my leash. I can't help it. I just do.

Quote Wall at the Family Reunion
>> This weekend we had a family reunion of sorts. I don't know the last time that we had a real family reunion with all the family. But with a family spread out all over the country and cousins getting married and having kids of their own, it's hard. But my mom's two sisters from Seattle were in town and my cousin flew in from Alaska. So along with most of the Tennessee family we had a nice number. There was lots of rest and relaxation. And lots of laughs.

>> Sometimes water only fuels the fire. I am so thankful that God has protected me and my heart the past few days!

>> His work schedule is pretty much pure insanity right now. Which for me means that I miss him all the time, something exciting happens that I want to share with him so I text him and hope to get a response some time in the next 12 hours, and that we hang out for 4 hours every other day at most. And that's okay. I look forward to the time that we do get to spend together and cherish every moment. And I remind myself that it could be so much worse. Relationships are about sacrifice. Sometimes that sacrifice is time. But it's so worth it- because he's worth it.

Girls Night In
>> Last night, we celebrated an early "friendsiversary" and it was so needed! I love hanging out with the guys. The firepit was fun last week, but sometimes it just needs to be the girls. Sometimes we just need to let our hair down and be ourselves 100% and it was great. I haven't laughed that hard or danced that much in a long time. We had pizza and drinks and watched Bridesmaids and just caught up on each other's lives. It reminded me of the challenge times when there were no guys around. I'm so thankful for female friendships. I hope that I can use this time away from him to enjoy girl time!

"Friendly" Reminder
>> This picture just makes me laugh. It's a reminder to go deep. This is also the edited version of this photo because not everyone can know everything that happens when we hang out... But this picture is also a reminder that I am not living in the present. So many things about this picture represent me holding on to an uncertain future. And I try to balance a sense of hope and optimism about the future with being content in my current season of life. Maybe I should hang this on my mirror as a daily reminder!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Answered Prayers

Sometimes God wraps things up in a nice, little package for me. Or in this case a mangled, tear-stained package, but still. This afternoon I was reading the lesson for growth group on Thursday about the idols of our heart. The sin behind the sin. It is essentially about identifying the stronghold lies in our lives. And I know those lies. And how they manifest. And I know that I have had a tendency to look for the answers and rebuttals to the lies through relationships.

And I have prayed about it for a while. Prayed that I would seek affirmation and worth in Christ and in Christ alone. I didn't know how things would pan out. Then I got into a new relationship. A relationship that doesn't play into any of my lies. And it's frustrating and brings up all sort of insecurities. But it also forces me to turn to the Lord. It forces me not to rely on this relationship for security but to cling to the cross. And I know it's going to be hard and it will be a struggle but I asked for it. So tonight I'm thanking God for an answered prayer.