Monday, February 20, 2012

Day 103: Explanation

So, I reread what I posted last night and realized that it was a little vague. And sounded a little bit like I hated my Bible study. Which is totally not true! So let me explain...

I love my Bible study and am so thankful for the girls in it. God has placed them in my life for a reason and I am grateful for that. There has just been a lot going on outside of the group. And pretty much just inside my own head that has been overwhelming. So I just felt like I needed a little room to breath.

And the vagueness: when I first started this blog, I said that I wasn't going to write about anything that I hadn't talked about with other people first. In real life. Face to face. It's easy for me to open up to the faceless masses online. Okay, not easy. It's not easy for me to open up ever. But it's easier. So I told myself that I wasn't going to put anything out there for the world to see that hadn't gone through (at least part of) the inner circle first. So this whole issue has been mentioned to a few people (more in an attempt to vent and get things off my chest) but has not been thoroughly discussed and prayed about with Godly counsel. So until then, no more details. And let's be honest, there probably won't be anymore details after that either.

But I worked all day and then had group tonight and I'm exhausted. Tonight was great. As always. Maybe I'll finally get around to writing a DTR blog soon...

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Day 102: A Moment

First of all, how is it already day 102? #censored

B. Today was a weird day. I was in a funk yesterday. I went to the Memphis game with my dad and then came home, put my pajamas back on, and stayed in the bed for the rest of the day. Yep, it was one of those days! And then it rolled over into this morning. Blah!

And then I walked into church. And I'm pretty sure that Bryan was talking directly to me. You can listen to the sermon here. But seriously. So. Convicting. So I left feeling a combination of completely and utterly loved and frustrated with myself for my actions. And my thoughts. And my heart. So then I went to Panera in an attempt to force myself out of the house so that I didn't end up in bed all day... again. Panera time was good as usual. It was a sweet time alone and a time of good reflection. I needed it. And then there was the phone call. And that's all that I'm going to say about that.

I left and ran by the bookstore to pick up the book Respectable Sins. I'm excited about starting it, but also nervous about it. I know that it's going to open up a lot of wounds and shed light on a lot of issues, but I'm ready to face them... I think. On another note, I love the smell of bookstores! Such a comforting smell. So warm and inviting. Then it was time for my Sunday night Bible study. Honestly, I didn't feel like going. My head was swarming. And the phone call didn't help that. But I had the CD so I didn't really have a choice. So I went. And it was fine. But my mind was still racing and I was on the edge of my seat the whole time.

Then it happened. I had a "you sneaky God" moment. A 1 Corinthians 10:13 moment. I got a text. A text that conveniently called me away from the group. A text that allowed me to leave and celebrate God's goodness. I was so encouraged! And reminded of how fervently God loves me and how He protects me. I hope to one day be over this. To be past all this and to move on. I hope that one day I can face this test head on and pass with flying colors. But until then, I am so grateful that I worship a God that knows my temptations and how much I can handle. He carefully protected me tonight! So thankful for sweet reminders of His love!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Day 98: #ValentinesDay

You know what's funny... that if I had written this post last night like I originally intended, it would have been a totally different post. Seriously, how does that happen?! "You, sneaky God!" ;)

Anyway, let me just give you a little insight into me. I am a total sap. For. Real. When I made my schedule at work, I requested Valentine's Day and the day after off. Why? Because I could. I made the schedule knowing full well that I wouldn't be dating anyone-that I would have no plans for the day, but it was Valentine's Day and I'm a hopeless romantic and I didn't want to be at work! More insight: I am the ultimate girly girl! Now, I'm all for the occasional sporadic dance in the rain (I'm for the occasional sporadic dancing of any kind) and running through the mud...why not? But in general, I am all girl! While moving, a friend told me I had a lot of nice dresses. Which I interpreted to mean that I have a lot of dresses. If you watch New Girl, imagine this being said in the same tone as, "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots!" :) In the summer, I would much rather throw on a sundress and wedges to run errands or get groceries than a pair of shorts. Yep, total girl! Enjoy this... I may or may not dance around my room to it sometimes...

So back to Valentine's Day. Yesterday just may have been my best Valentine's Day to date. And you know why? Zero expectations! I didn't have to wonder what I was going to do or if anyone was going to ask me out or if I was going to do something fun. I could just be me. And it was great! I woke up, found a great love song station on Pandora, and went out to Shelby Farms for a run. Then I came home, showered and got ready/danced around my room and sang into my brush like a microphone for far longer than I should have. When I got to Jamie's, she looked at me and said, "why are you dressed up? And you have on makeup!" My response: it's Valentine's Day! (Self-proclaimed hopeless romantic!) So we went to see the fabulous Heather and then went and got Valentine's manicures because it wouldn't be Valentine's Day without some pampering. Then it was home for Pei Wei and a movie. Because nothing says "I'm alone on a holiday" better than Chinese food! Ha! The night ended with an unplanned game of telestrations (pictures to come...) Then, I came home to a dozens roses on my bed! They were from a secret admirer. Or my dad. Either one. My dad is pretty awesome. Dear future husband, big shoes to fill.

Well, after all that I don't even want to write about today. And it has gotten much better. Just started out with me speaking some truth to myself this morning! Always needed. Maybe I'll write about it later. Maybe not. I am loved!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Day 95: Catch Up

So I haven't written in a few days. Here's what I've been up to:

- I celebrated my halfway point. Three months in! And by "celebrated" I mean that I didn't actually do anything. (Except for sing "Livin' on a Prayer") But I am halfway through. Crazy! Although I don't know if that's really accurate since I wouldn't say that I really stopped dating 3 months ago. It was more like a gradual weaning off process. But I can say that I am not currently dating and I feel really good about it.

- I won a bet. The resident didn't ask me out. (My first thought just now was "El doctor") Which was good because I didn't have to say no. And I won $20. Another positive. My coworker did say later that she felt bad because she felt the bet was distracting me from the whole reason I was doing this in the first place. I appreciate the thought, but let's be honest... cute resident on the floor. I was thinking about dating him whether we made the bet or not. Oops! But don't worry. He'll be back on the floor in May. Dear God, guard my thoughts. Change my heart.

- I moved. Super last minute. I was about to leave work on Wednesday night. Tired. Ready to get something to eat and go to bed so I could wake up crazy early the next day and I get a call from my mom. Long story (I can tell you in person if you want to know) but my roommate had been in the hospital. My mom told me that she was coming home the next day and so I was going to move in with my cousin that night. So after a minor freak out/stressed out/panic attack, I sent out a few texts and asked people to pray for my roommate. The first response I got said, "I can come help." So I left work, cried on the way home, and got home ready to pack. I tweeted for help and got 2 guys to come help and the 4 of us packed up my stuff and loaded it into cars. Then we stopped, huddled together, linked arms, and prayed. While I cried. And then we moved everything over to my cousins. I am so grateful for their willingness to help. And to speak truth into my life. And to trust in the Lord. And just for who they are!

- I said no. Yep, that's right. I got asked out on my first date since I started this whole process. And I got to say, "Thanks, but no thanks." Well, I actually said, "Thanks, but I'm actually taking a break from dating right now." But it kinda felt good. I felt like I was actually doing this for a reason. And then all the reasons came flooding back to me and I realized what I really need to do to get the most from this experience. But I don't know how to do it. I'll be talking through that with the girls tonight!

- I realized that God is big! Okay, I already knew that but this week I was reminded yet again. God is so much bigger than my problems and the things that are going on in my world. In the midst of heartache, this was such a sweet reminder!

And finally, I leave you with this. Because, well, I love it! Isn't this so true...

Monday, February 6, 2012

Day 89: I'm Baaaaaaack!

Yes, please read that in the creepy Shining voice. 

So, I'm back, but not really to write about this whole sabbatical thing-just to write about random things that I feel like writing about. :) Warning: this post will be a jumbled mess because that's how my thoughts are--well, most of the time-- but especially now. This break from blogging has been fabulous! It was exactly what I needed. When I don't have to think about something related to taking a break from dating, I don't have to think about it. And think about it, I have not! And it has been absolutely marvelous!

But I have been thinking a lot about fellowship versus community. Which I think is related to the whole milk to meat thing. Which reminds me of the meat to men phenomenon. And that just makes me laugh and think of and miss Rachel Nobel. (Can we have a reunion soon? Please!?) I used to think I wanted more of a chicken burger, but now I'm leaning towards a nice carnivorous sampler platter. :) Can anyone make that happen? If you have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to ask me about it in person when I have time to give a full explanation with diagrams!

But alas, I digress. Fellowship and community. When someone goes from a life BC doing whatever they wanted and all of the sudden they are surrounded by a great group of Christian friends, it's great. And it's needed. But it's not community. Fellowship is like milk. It's an important part of growth, but once you have real community there is no longer the satisfaction with just the fellowship. Who wants to go back to milk when they have already tasted meat?

Last night, at the Super Bowl party was fun. It was fun to laugh at Christian pick-up lines. "Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me!" And to try to find the gospel in all the commercials. (Some were more difficult than others...coughDavidBeckhamunderwearcough) But my favorite part of the night was getting to step away from all that and have a real, intentional, one-on-one conversation with Rachel about what's really going on in life. Knowing my struggles and the topics to ask about and questions to ask. And that, my friends, is community!

As sisters in Christ, we are called to carry each other's burdens. That's how Jamie and Eryka and I got so close. One night, we started talking about life and our stories and it got to the point where we knew each other's junk. And because of that, we had a responsibility to each other to deal with our issues together. And so after that night, there was no going back. We were too far gone. We knew the other's sins and couldn't ignore them.We were already in the trenches together!

That being said, community isn't for everyone. I mean, everyone needs community, but not with everyone else! BJ talks about different groups of friends. There are the friends that you let on your front porch. The ones that get the small talk and know surface level what's going on in your life. There are the kitchen talk friends. Friends that you let in to your house and get to see that things aren't always perfect, but it's not all there. And then there are friends that you let into your bedroom. Friends that get to see all the mess of your life-the most intimate details. And those friends are so needed! So essential for growth and challenging yourself! But everyone in your life isn't supposed to be that friend. Not everyone needs to come into your bedroom! I am so thankful for the fellowship of people around me to encourage me and teach me things, but I am even more grateful for the community of women that will call me out when I am being disobedient to God. Women that will mourn with me when I need to cry and lift me up when the period of mourning is over.Women that will take the weight off my shoulders and walk through the valleys with me to show me that I am not alone!