Day 145: Fighting Idols

I had a whole post written out (in my head, of course) but then something came up that caught my attention. So now I'm attempting to combine the two topics into one post that I think is going to end up being about why I'm doing this whole dating challenge in the first place. Notice I said "think," sometimes most of the time I just start writing and have no idea where I'm going to end up.

Occasionally, and a few times recently, people comment on why they think I'm doing this whole thing. I often get comments about how I must have just gotten out of a relationship or it sounds like I am getting over a breakup. Well, to clear the air from that: I hadn't been in a real relationship for about a year and a half when I started this challenge. So there is not this one person that I'm trying to move on from or get over. This 6 month challenge has been and still is about changing my paradigm on the past 10 years of relationships.

Which brings me to my next point: people that kinda know me or think they know me often try to guess who I'm writing about- which I personally think is hilarious! Funny because these people usually have no idea and are totally wrong. Or because the things I write about aren't necessarily about a specific person, but a compilation of multiple people. Different hurts. Different heartbreaks. Different struggles. All rolled into one. But for those of you that do try and guess... ha! Thanks for playing.

I'm guessing that even Megan would only be able to guess who I'm blogging about 95% of the time. That is if she were going to try to guess. Which she isn't. Because she doesn't read this. In her mind there is no point in reading it if I'm going to tell her everything anyway. And I do. Tell her. She puts up with the mundane and the dramatic. The unabridged, unedited, uncensored version of my day to day happenings. I'm pretty sure she deserves some sort of trophy for that!

Anyway, I digress. A. Lot. So with only 37 days left to go, I guess I'll write about why I'm doing this whole thing in the first place. The short version is that I don't know how I like my eggs! If you know the reference to that, then you probably know exactly what I mean and don't need to read any further. But in case you need more explanation, I'll elaborate. I know there are a lot of people that don't like dating. I was never one of those people. I like dating. I think it's fun. I like the awkward getting-to-know-you phase. I like the comfort of knowing someone well and just hanging out and being myself. So that all seems great, right? Where's the problem? Addiction. Idols. Affirmation. Worth. Pride. Control. Dating was becoming an idol in my life. Not a particular relationship, but the thought of a relationship.

And I think that has made this whole process so much harder. If it had been about a boy or a bad relationship, I could have ended the relationship, taken 6 months to move on, and be okay. But how do I separate myself from my own sinful thoughts and behaviors. The past 5 months has essentially been a time of breaking up with myself. A time of moving on from my own past. A time of remembering who I am in God. Falling in love with Him again and again. And letting Him pursue me and romance me as His bride!