Day 143: Games

Dating is not my problem. Dating is just a manifestation of the problem. And the past few months of "not dating" has allowed the real issues to manifest themselves in other ways. Stupid ways that I have to deal with again and again. Ugh! Every time I get to what I think is the root of the problem, it manifests itself in another way and I have to tackle that issue too.

Most of my best thinking takes place in the shower. Or while I'm driving. (Coincidentally, some of my worst thinking takes place while I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep. Stupid insomnia doesn't even lend itself to clear thinking!) Anyway, today I started thinking about things that have been happening over the past few months. And one thing came to mind. It happened about a month ago (I can't believe it! It seems like it's been years and just yesterday all at the same time.) But about a month ago, someone said to me, "This is all just a game to you, isn't it?" And at the time I (wrongly) thought "Challenge Accepted." And then I set out to prove that it wasn't just a game.

And later as I was thinking back on the comment, I realized that it was another one of those comments that cut me to the core. And did I really prove him wrong? Or did I just confirm exactly what he thought? Why did it bother me so much? Was it true? Was it all just a game? Did I really think that? And if so, for long? And why? Because games aren't a big deal. They are not emotional. They are fun. Or at least that's what I told myself. I couldn't have been more wrong. Have you ever seen/played a game?  

Games are emotional. And even worse- competitive.

Love is not a game!