Day 139: My Life is a Lifetime Movie

Last night at my DTR group I shared my story with them. Yes, it's been a year since we started meeting but this just happened to be the best time to do it. And when I think about how much I've changed in the past year, I realize how different my story would have been if I had told it at the beginning. Not because that much has changed physically, but because of how much has changed in my life. How much I've grown and opened up.

Throughout the past year, these women have gotten glimpses into my life through stories and prayer requests and break-ins, but last night they pretty much got the whole story. Which went something like this: "So you know that thing I told you about? Here's the 5 years of back story about that..." And then they began to put all the puzzles pieces together. All the little pieces I had given them over the past year came together and they were able to see the big picture of my life. Where all the multiple break-ins I've done fit in.

They also told me that my life could be a lifetime movie. Which I have been saying since college. Oh, to be a kid again! But it's frustrating. And then I told them about the mom curse. And today someone told me that they felt as if I gave up. It was like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. It was the curse all over again. And I couldn't hold back the tears. And I'm tearing up thinking about it now...

So that's where I am tonight. There's no resolution. There's no neat little story wrapped up and tied with a bow. There's no beginning, middle, and end. There's no lesson that I've learned or ways I've grown. There's just hurt.  There are tears. There is fear that it's true. Did I give up? Would I do it again? Has anything changed? Have I changed?