Day 73: Goodbye

I finally cried. Last night was great and I think we uncovered some major things for me and I teared up a few times. There were times when I wanted to just curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. But I didn't. Because I'm stubborn. Because even those these girls know my most vulnerable weaknesses, there is a voice inside me that says "stay strong. don't break down." so I didn't cry. And then this morning when they left, I drove to my parents' house to see my family and then went to the Memphis game with my dad and just kept going and didn't stop to think about anything. But then I finally got home. I was sitting on the couch and I got a text from Jamie about meeting later to go through some scriptures and the tears came. Tears of sadness. Tears of joy. Tears of frustration and anger. Because, let's me honest- I'm pissed!

Whenever I'm sending a patient home at work, I always go in with their prescriptions, discharge instructions, and a band-aid. And I give them their paperwork and talk to them about all the important stuff while I take out their IV. Nine times out of 10, they wince as I begin to peel up the tape and I without fail always tell them, "I know. I'm sorry. The tape is the worst part." And even as I have been doing this dating fast, I've been holding on to control. The past two months five years, I've been trying to tape the pieces of my heart back together. I wrote about it a while ago, but it's still an issue. And I feel like right now, God is piece by piece taking off the tape of my heart so that He can heal me. But as each piece of tape comes off, I feel like I'm crumbling. And I'm trying to remind myself what I've told my patients so many times--that the tape is the worst part. But I feel like I'm cutting through years of scar tissue and doing painful therapy just so I can use my hands again- and it sucks!

So this is it. This is goodbye. Not forever (I don't think) but for a while. Maybe I'll be back. Maybe I won't. But I need a break...