Day 9: Broken

The only thing worse than crying in the shower is wanting to cry, going through all the scenarios, and feeling nothing. I've had those nights. Tonight, was not one of those nights. Tonight, the floodgates opened. Tonight, I sat in the shower and let the water wash over me. Tonight, the tears came. And they just wouldn't stop. I arrogantly didn't think I would get to this point. I thought I had already grieved past relationships. I thought this was going to be a time of growing. I didn't know I would feel so broken. I didn't know I still felt so broken.

And I'm mad. I don't get mad often. It's not polite. I get frustrated. Or angry. Or disappointed. I can name off a list of more appropriate synonyms than mad. But right now I'm pissed. I'm mad at the people I've dated for treating me the way they did. I've mad at the people I haven't dated for mistreating me. And I'm mad at myself for letting it all happen!

I'm mad that I had him first. I'm mad that it was just a competition and a game for him. I'm mad that I was there when he was lonely. I'm mad at the pity apology. I'm mad that he shows up just when I'm moving on to get stuck in my head again. I'm mad for thinking he was trustworthy. I mad for letting it go on for too long. I'm mad for being the other women. I'm mad that he lied and cheated. I'm mad that he cared. I'm mad that I wasted all that time. I'm mad that he made excuses. I'm mad that he moved on so fast. I'm mad that he couldn't move on. I'm mad that he interfered. I'm mad that I opened up to him. I'm mad that he's still in my life. I'm mad that he made me cry. I'm mad that he didn't protect me. I'm mad that he broke my heart.

People always think a broken heart looks like this...

But what if it looks more like this. Smashed in a million pieces that don't all fit back together?

And so I cried. Out of anger and frustration. And I yelled. And I thought back to all the things that had happened. And then I prayed. The songs that kept running through my head while I was in the shower were Into Marvelous Light and Lead Me to the Cross:

Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting. From the grave You've risen- victoriously!
Into marvelous light I'm running... Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross You are the truth; You are the life; You are the way.

Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out.
Bring me to my knees. Lord, I lay me down.
Rid me of myself. I belong to you.
Lead me. Lead me to the cross.

And then I heard these words... In your presence, God, I'm completely satisfied. For You, I sing; I dance. I rejoice in this divine romance. I lift my heart and my hands to show my love!

That's what I want! A divine romance with God. A God that loves me more than I can fathom! A God that will never let me go. A God that will never disappoint me. A God that will never leave me. A God that will completely satisfy me! A God that will take all the pieces of my broken heart and not try to fit them back together, but will give me a new heart that is made complete and whole in Him!