Try It On

I went through a couple different title ideas for this post, but I figured that the #DTR girls might be the only ones that will really appreciate this post. So this title is for them. This weekend was tricky. But it was so good. And so needed.

Let's rewind. Sometimes God speaks to me through deer. Not about dinner parties or anything. There have been a few times when things are hard and I see deer and am reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness. So Friday night I was driving to my parents' house and I turn the corner where I have seen deer a few times and I look for them and... nothing. They're not there. And I'm kind of disappointed. Okay, so God what are you trying to tell me? And I didn't get an answer. At least not right away.

Then today I'm driving home and singing and praying and I happen to look over and there is a baby deer (or fawn if you're playing along at home) and I just started laughing. Because it is a reminder of God's goodness, but it's also a reminder of new mercies. It's like God is saying, "Behold I make all things new." His mercies truly are new every morning! Such a wonderful--and timely--answer.

Then, when I was driving again I got tired of the music so I turned it off and just tried listening. The Bible app on my phone has an audio option. So I decided to ask God what I should read. And the first thing that came to mind was Romans 8. So I tried it on. :) And then I opened the app on my phone and the verse of the day was Romans 8:37. I'll take that as some confirmation. So I listened to it...

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs- heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. (v 15-17)

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. (v 26)

For I am sure that neither life nor death, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (v 38)

Stagnant

That's how I feel right now... stagnant. And something has to change. In March, I wrote about being calculating. Thinking through everything I say. And while that can be a good thing, it also holds me back. And I want it to change. I need it to change.

Last night I decided to take the weekend off. I needed time to figure things out. I needed a jump start. I was excited about it. Ideally, I could have spent the weekend all alone in a cabin with nothing but me and God, but since that didn't happen, I had to deal. And today didn't go exactly as I planned but I was still excited about it. And then tonight came and it got harder. I love sitting around on the patio and talking to my family, but it made it hard. It's easy to plan out future dreams and wishes and laugh with them about what could be. But I also don't want to forget what this weekend's about for me. It's about moving from this point of stagnation and moving forward.

I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to go one more day, without that all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking "what if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?"

800 Miles an Hour

My mind races. 24/7. I don't know how to make it stop. People think I'm quiet. I'm really trying to filter through thousands of thoughts running through my mind. Sometimes people ask me what I'm thinking. I have a hard time pushing pause to pinpoint just one thing. But here's a tiny snapshot into my head...

- Tonight was too eerily familiar. It was too much like the past. It scared me.

- I still have wounds. As much as I try and pretend otherwise, I still have walls up.

- Inadequate. It's like the sophisticated cousin of "not good enough" and the idea resonates like a siren in my mind.

- We are made to worship.

- We don't remove idols. We replace them. What am I replacing my idols with?

- You and I embrace surrender. You and I choose to believe...

- Was the 6 month challenge for nothing? I never completely understood that one story until now. Falling to the ground in a heap of shame.

- So I get it now. What does that mean? Do I need to do the 6 months again?

- I need a break. A time away from distraction. Just time with me and my Abba Father!

- I'm excited about what the next 48-72 hours (or 2 weeks) is going to look like. I'm ready for anything.

- Where are the deer? Okay. No deer. What are you trying to tell me then? I'm listening.

So that was just a small window into my mind. Except it doesn't happen one after the other like this. The thoughts overlap each other and some of them (inadequate) are on repeat. And there's hundreds more that are swirling around in the mix. Like how did this bruise get on my leg? And I have so much to do tomorrow. And what if this is it? But for now... Bedtime!

Ch- ch- Changes

I know I haven't written in forever! I have thought about it a lot (while I'm in the car driving somewhere) and then by the time I get to my destination, I have 800 things on my mind. So, I haven't written. I guess life got in the way! (who sang that song?) 

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about change. Since the end of the six month challenge, I have been called confident, social, and outgoing at different times. I laughed right away. I haven't been called any of those things probably since I was 8. I would never use any of those words to describe myself. The exact opposite actually. For as long as I can remember, I would describe myself as introverted. This article about introverts was going around on twitter recently and it describes me to a tee! In high school or college, I took the Myers-Briggs test and the therapist told me that she had never seen anyone so extreme on the scale. (umm, thanks...) But I think there have also been some insecurities related to not being as extroverted or outgoing as I "needed" to be. And while those insecurities are still there, there are things that I love about my introversion. These are the things that make me uniquely me! But sometimes I have to suck up the introvert and be social. And it's something that I have prayed about. But I don't always notice the change in myself and for someone else to call it out in me makes me excited. I also am 100% certain that any change that people see in me has absolutely nothing to do with anything that I could have done. It was totally the Lord at work in me and I am so thankful. I pray that He can be glorified through me!

Another thing that I have been thinking about is how and where I invest my time. And with whom I invest my life. I know that I have written once or twice about fellowship and community. But as life changes and friendships evolve, it has been on my mind. My friendships look different today than they did 2 or 3 months ago. And I know that friendships grow and change and shouldn't look the same, but it makes me wonder if these friendship have truly grown. Does my relationship with God look different because they are in my life? Has their friendship strengthened my understanding of the Word? My prayer life? Am I closer to God because they are in my life? And then I ask myself if they wonder the same things. How am I impacting those around me? I feel as if I'm in a transitional period and trying to balance old friendships and new friendships and still trying to make time for myself and learning to rest and relax. It's hard though. There are two groups that I want to be with on Monday night and I have to choose. I'm off work Thursday and I have growth group that morning. It's really easy to plan a coffee date after that and then still have time to have lunch with a friend that afternoon. And I miss the Thursday night hangouts we used to have. And I still need some Peter, James, and John time. And the list goes on and on. There are things that I want to do and people that I want to spend time with and invest in. And I can easily fill my calendar with great events and wonderful people but not find time to just abide. And the introvert in me desperately needs time to step away and rejuvenate! So I think it's time to take a step back and reevaluate my priorities...