Stagnant

That's how I feel right now... stagnant. And something has to change. In March, I wrote about being calculating. Thinking through everything I say. And while that can be a good thing, it also holds me back. And I want it to change. I need it to change.

Last night I decided to take the weekend off. I needed time to figure things out. I needed a jump start. I was excited about it. Ideally, I could have spent the weekend all alone in a cabin with nothing but me and God, but since that didn't happen, I had to deal. And today didn't go exactly as I planned but I was still excited about it. And then tonight came and it got harder. I love sitting around on the patio and talking to my family, but it made it hard. It's easy to plan out future dreams and wishes and laugh with them about what could be. But I also don't want to forget what this weekend's about for me. It's about moving from this point of stagnation and moving forward.

I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to go one more day, without that all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking "what if I had given everything instead of going through the motions?"