When God Closes a Door

It stung. The heavy weight of a harsh reality. And I went to bed with tear-stained cheeks. And I prayed. And I asked for answers and clarity. And you know what happened? I got some clarity. And I got a peace. And because of that I'm excited about the future and what it holds. I know that I don't know the future and that I didn't get answers about the future. I don't know a year down the road. I don't even know two steps down the path. But I got a glimpse into how things should look right now. In the moment. And I am confident that this is where God wants me right now!

Chicken or Egg

Which comes first? Moving on or getting over someone?

UpDates

Get it? It's punny. :)

Well this was really supposed to be about house updates, but a little about the last post...

He called. We made a date for Saturday night. It went well. He wanted to go biking Sunday. I ditched him. (Friends come first!) And we have been on another date since. I don't know if there's anything there. It's new and I'm cautious. And I'm going to the beach on Saturday!!!

But for the real reason for this post. The house is coming along. Slowly, but surely. If only I had an unlimited budget. Oh well! So here is the previous to do list on the house and how it's coming along:


1. Butcher block island
2. Buy bedrails
3. Clean ceiling fans 
4. Coffee table
5. Dresser
6. Hang light fixtures
7. Mop bathroom floor
8. Mop kitchen floor
9. Move furniture
10. Paint bathtub
11. Put up blinds
12. Refinish bathtub
13. Set up internet
14. Trim bushes
15. Wash stove
16. Wipe down refrigerator

So to consolidate the list some, here's what's still on it:

1. Butcher block island
2. Coffee table that has now been changed to a tray to put on the ottoman
3. Dresser
4. Set up internet got postponed because I knew I'll be out of town for a week, but when I get back it is top priority

And there are some things that have been added to the list like hanging pictures and mirrors and stuff, and lots of organization, and maybe a new couch of some sort. It's coming together though. And it's starting to feel like home!

This...

Became this!

And a new light in the bathroom! (the shower curtain is back up now)

Estate sale find! There is an ottoman (waiting for a cool tray) and pillows and stuff now too...

First Date

Well, I was asked out again. In front of all my coworkers. And this time I said yes. Well I wasn't exactly asked out. I was asked for my number, but I gave it to him. So we'll see what happens...

To Do List

I'm sick. And it sucks. I've been up pretty much all night with fever and chills and stuff. And of course I go straight to surgical reasons. What if it's a hernia and I have to get mesh put it and it will inevitably get infected and I'll get septic. Or it could be a small bowel obstruction and I have to have an ostomy. So, maybe the worst case scenario but I see it everyday. It could happen. So I have put myself on clears- which really means I've had 2 popsicles this morning.

But aside from the whole sick thing, I'm supposed to be moving today. And I still have every intention of doing that. I'm just moving a lot slower than I had planned. But thanks to the multiple DIY blogs I read, I have big plans for this place. So here's the initial to do list (and the progress being made)

1. Butcher block island
2. Buy bedrails goal for today
3. Clean ceiling fans cleaning lady came today to finish getting everything ready 
4. Coffee table
5. Dresser
6. Hang light fixtures electrician coming is coming today to hang 3 new light fixtures
7. Mop bathroom floor done this morning
8. Mop kitchen floor done this morning
9. Move furniture goal for today
10. Paint bathtub
11. Put up blinds goal for today
12. Refinish bathtub
13. Set up internet goal for today
14. Trim bushes dad came yesterday to clean up outside
15. Wash stove done this morning
16. Wipe down refrigerator done this morning


So, it's moving along. It's a work in progress and probably always will be. There are more things on my long term project list but they will get done... eventually.

Sneak peek of the bathroom- still in progress

First Ask

I was asked out today. For the first time since the challenge ended. He has asked me out before and I told him about my dating sabbatical. He said he would come back. But knowing that he was interested allowed me to watch him. His interactions with patients. And with nurses. And other doctors. And I learned that he's a good doctor. And cares about his patients. But I didn't see a light for Christ. I didn't see a passionate pursuit of the Lord.

And so it made it made me question if people can see that in me when they first meet me. But it also made it easy to say no when he asked again today. He also made it easy because he said, "So it's May. Are we gonna do this?" I asked, "Is this really how you're going to ask me?" and then I walked away laughing. But at least I got the first ask out of the way...

**May 16 Update: He called up to the floor today to apologize for his nonchalance. I appreciate the effort, but it's not going to happen.

Rando

Random ramblings. Ready, go.

- I am average at best in social situations. I like the comfort of my leash.

- I reread the entries from the past six months. And a flood of emotions came back to me as if I was reliving everything again. Then I thought, "why would anyone read this? It doesn't make sense to anyone."

- A few weeks ago, over lunch, I was talking to friends about Adam and Eve and first experiences. There is a certain awe factor that they must have had when they saw new things for the very first time. I think parents get to experience that with their children. I got a little glimpse of it this morning.

- I've been trying to get back to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter. But I think it's about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

- Putting your heart out there exposes it to hurt.

- Being honest with someone for the first time is empowering.

- I'm really excited about dating. The right guy. The right way.

Visiting Work

I'm an emotional wreck. So much is running through my head. But I'm not going to write about that. I'm going to post what I originally was going to write about. This morning I went to work for a meeting. Then I went up to the floor to say hi to my coworkers and decided to check in on some of my patients from this week to see how they were doing and say hi. It was such a blessing. One of the patients said that he had been looking for me this morning and asked when I worked next. Then I ended up staying in another patient's room for an hour sitting and talking. He told me about his family and his ex-wife. About his health problems and his faith. And a few things just stuck out to me. He told me not to be hardheaded because God was going to find a way. And he reminded me that God was in control and told me not to marry someone if we were unevenly yolked. So sweet! And so needed. I love my patients. And I love my job!

Writing topic runner ups: I signed a lease today. Went to my first wedding since the challenge and got to be excited for them. Cried at my first wedding of the season. And then got so frustrated that I wanted to cry and cuss all at the same time (and throw things). But God is good and I am continually reminding myself of His sovereignty- especially tonight!

Day 181: The End

This will be short because it's late and I have to be up in 4 and a half hours. But, it's over! And it ended exactly how I wanted it to- with friends. And mostly friends that I have gotten to know in the past six months. It was such a sweet reminder of how God takes care of His children! It started out with dinner with some friends.

And then we got to meet up with more friends for drinks and the grizz game. Because I'm an emotional sap, I wrote everyone letters. To let them know how much they have meant to me and what they have taught me throughout this challenge.

God has shown me the value of female friendships. He has blessed me with wonderful female friendships during this time! I am so thankful for each and every one of them and so thankful that God placed each of them into my life. He also gave me an awareness of how I viewed previous relationships and, because of my perceptions, how I reacted to them. He placed male figures in my life that I was truly able to see as friends and changed my heart on friendships that weren't. I was able to see people do relationships well, and those that did it not so well. I was able to see what I want in a relationship and what I want in life. And I'm excited and anxious and nervous all at the same time. I can't wait to see what's next!  

Day 178: Final Countdown

Cue music...

(feel free to listen while you read this)

I've been slacking on blogging. Because I have been too busy living life to sit behind a computer and write. And when I finally do get home, I'm too tired to want to write. The past two nights, I have fallen asleep within 30 minutes of getting home. I am not as young as I used to be...

Anyway, sometime last week, someone commented that the challenge was almost over and asked my how I felt about it. Honestly, there has been so much going on that it hasn't really been high on the priority list. As in, I almost forgot I was even doing it. Yep, you read that right. If you know anything about me, you know that is HUGE!

Confession time: When I first started this challenge, I thought that I would do this for six months and then when I finished there would be this man of my dreams waiting at the other end. Just waiting for me. Maybe on one knee with a ring. Okay I didn't think all that, but I did think "I'll take a six month break from dating and then when it's over there will be someone there and we'll start dating and it will all be worth it." I had some serious control issues...

But I can honestly say now that dating at the end of this is not important to me. I have learned SO much and grown a ton. The past six months I have had a blast hanging out with friends. What if dating someone changes all that? I told some friends the other day that I am more ready to get married today than I was six months ago, but I have no intentions of running off and getting married as soon as this is over.

And it's over on Wednesday night. Wednesday night the security blanket and excuses are gone. Blissful indecisiveness is gone. And I can honestly say I'm ready. I know I still have a lot of things to work on and a long way to go but I'm ready to step out in faith and see what God has in store for the next stage of my life.

So Wednesday night, we are going out to celebrate. To celebrate the friendships that have been there beside me for the past six months. The friendships that have grown and blossomed during this time. The friends that have stood beside me through the hard times and encouraged me in my growth. I am so thankful for each of you and so blessed that God placed each of you into my life at exactly the right moment. Let's go out Wednesday and celebrate friendship and God's perfect will for our lives!