Venting

I am so glad that last week is over! It was one of the roughest weeks that I've had in a long time! I mentioned that I was kinda sick last week which is no fun. Even if that's the only thing that's going on. Monday morning, I found out that a friend's father had died. He had been sick for a while and it was expected. It is sad, but not a shock. But still hard.

I had a patient die on Tuesday. I deal with death a lot at work. I don't want to say I'm used to it. Death is never really something you get used to, but it does get... easier. That's not the right word either, but I'll assume that you know what I mean. This was hard though. Harder than usual. When I saw him on Monday he was up walking around his room talking. It all happened fast. But Tuesday afternoon, when I heard a code called over the loud speaker, I knew that it was him. It was just that gut feeling. And I can say with 100% certainty that coding a patient never gets easier. Never, ever, ever! We got him stable enough to transfer, updated his family, and the doctor that I was working with prayed with them. It was hard.

Wednesday I had another patient that wasn't doing well. I had that same gut feeling. I hate that feeling! But I talked to the patient. I put my stethoscope away in my pocket, pulled up a chair, and sat down and talked. We talked about how he was doing and what his wishes were. And then I called his wife and had a similar conversation with her. She asked questions and cried. She told me stories about their marriage and his life. I answered her questions as best I could and listened to all her stories. Then she asked me the hardest question of all and I tried not to cry myself. I was thinking that the plan was to try and get him home with hospice. When I got to work on Thursday, I found out that he had died overnight. Ugh! I might have yelled some choice words when I logged into the computer. Life is hard.

I also got a text from my sister on Thursday that my brother-in-law's grandfather had died. My brother-in-law was raised by his Granddad. And it was totally out of the blue. Unexpected.

I was wound up pretty tight at this point. I was emotionally drained and physically worn out from being sick. I got home and took a bath and relaxed. About halfway through the bath, I realized that I didn't feel nearly as bad as I had so I took full advantage of it and went to the gym. A quick treadmill workout and some sweating was great! I kept running until they announced that the gym was closed. During my run, my roommate had texted asking if I was okay so when I got home, I gave her the rundown of the week. She suggested that we go get a drink so we went to a restaurant around the corner and got drinks. Bad coping mechanisms, for the win!

Friday was filled with more hard conversations. More conversations about pathology reports and prognoses and options. Life is hard! And I am so grateful that last week is over!!