Oy Vey

This weekend has been ROUGH! I don't even know how else to describe it. I have started writing this post a few times in the past few days, but haven't been able to really put into words how I was feeling. And I still can't. My mind has been racing more than usual. I didn't even think that was possible! I did something today that I haven't done since high school and that freaked me out! I also had to put the phone on mute today. Little secrets! But I'm still trying to sort everything out and figure out how I'm feeling about everything. So I'm not going to write about it all now. Or probably ever...

But at church this morning, they played this video. And it was exactly what I needed to hear today! God really does meet us exactly where we are. So here it is. Bookmark it. Favorite it. Watch it every morning as a reminder that your Father adores you!

Miscellany

- I am going to try to write twice a week. I'm putting it out there so that people can maybe hold me accountable. But it may or may not happen.

- I have like 8 posts ideas in the draft folder, so maybe I will actually get better at this whole blogging thing. (And yes, Diana, one of them is about why you should be a DNR) but that would require me to take the ideas and actually write about them. Or I could just post a list of random topics that I could write about... Some of these topics include blogs you should read, why you (and everyone you know) should be a DNR, 25 things you thought you knew about me, and why I hate juicing and other lame trends. Just something to look forward to in the upcoming days weeks months. More than likely there will be 2 very sappy, emotional touchy-feely posts on the weeks that I'm off and have too much time on my hands to just think followed by 2 normal, this-is-how-I-feel-about-things posts on the weeks that I work. So feel free to skip around and read every other week. It won't hurt my feelings.

- Sometimes I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I just want to stop everything around me and give myself time to catch up. Can that happen?

- I worked on my budget today. Which may or may not be a color coded spreadsheet. I know I will make adjustments along the way and change somethings around, but as of now I won't have all my loans paid off until August 2018. That made me want to cry! Blah!

- Nancy Holcomb came and spoke to DTR last night. So good! That woman is a fount of wisdom!

- Someone asked me today if I used to play soccer. I know what they meant. And I don't take it as a compliment...

- I have stress anxiety. A sense of impending doom. It takes me back to May 2000. That's the first time I can remember knowing something was going to happen but not knowing what it was. It's scary! And I don't like it. Ready for whatever this is to be over!

- For the past 2 years, I have been praying about a specific situation in my life. That God would either change the situation or change my heart towards it. This morning, I heard Him tell me no. That I was going to  have to love Him through the situation even though it wasn't going to change. And that my heart wasn't necessarily going to change towards the situation either, but that He would be there to grieve the pain with me. Part of me feels a peace that I have some sort of an answer, but the other part of me just thinks this sucks! And I'm kind of mad about it because I felt like I was giving God 2 perfectly good options and, while I would have much rather the situation changed, I would have been happy with either choice. But it wasn't that easy. I want to yell at Him and tell Him that this wasn't what we talked about. I am reminded once again that I am not in control.

- I am now going to take a chair and read on the back deck. Because it's a beautiful day and I can!

Compassion (and Kevin Ware)

I'm sarcastic. And can sometimes be brutally honest. My natural tendency is to air on the side of truth over grace. But then there's the other side of me. The side of me that cries like a baby at hallmark commercials or even a hint of something sad (or happy). And I'm not a cute crier either. I cry hard. Which screws up all my serotonin and leads to a raging migraine. So basically anytime I start tearing up at all, I should go ahead and take some medicine. Yep, crying is fun...

All that to say, I've cried a lot this week. Thankfully not the hard, migraine-inducing cries but still crying. I cried watching the Louisville/Duke game. And again at every replay of the Kevin Ware injury/ reaction of his teammates. I cried the next day when I saw a picture on Twitter of him up on crutches. I cried when I read an article about him on SportsCenter. I cried when I watched an interview with Rick Pitino. And then I cried again today watching his interview. Essentially, I'm a sap. (and love college basketball!) But let's be honest, Kevin Ware's injury wasn't that bad. The bone essentially broke in half making it a pretty straight-forward surgery. It's not like it was crushed and the doctors were trying to piece it back together. And he's a healthy, athletic young adult. He's the ideal surgical candidate!

But, it got me thinking. There are so many times when I feel like I could become calloused with my job. I see these things all the time. My family's discussion at Easter lunch was about living wills and DNR status and the fact that they will be DNRs. And you should be too! (But that's another post for another day...) Sometimes at work, I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I mean, everyone's sick, right? Confession: there are times when I have to hold my tongue and sweeten my words when I want to tell a patient to suck it up and work with physical therapy or when I want to sarcastically ask them if they take any medicine for hiccups when they're at home. That may never change.

So why was I so emotional about Kevin Ware? It's not because of an injury. It's because of the loss associated with the injury. And the loss is something that I pray I will never get calloused to. I can deal with being desensitized to illness, but I never want to be desensitized to people. I get to mourn loss with people on a daily basis. The woman with newly diagnosed cancer who mourns the loss of her energy, her hair, the lifestyle that she once knew... The man with a brain tumor who is mourning the slow loss of his coordination and memory... And his wife who watches helplessly and mourns the husband that she used to know. The young man with the terminal illness who mourns the loss of a future he'll never see...

This is the hard part of my job, but also the most rewarding. Sitting with patients. Listening to their stories--and their fears. Holding their hands. Wiping their tears...

"Rejoice with those that rejoice, weep with those that weep." Romans 12:15

* These are not specific patients of mine. No HIPAA violations here. But the situations and diagnoses are still all too familiar.