Fog

I haven't written in a while. And honestly it's because there hasn't been much to write. I have started some posts a couple of times about all different things and just couldn't finish them. None of them seemed "worth writing." Life's been hard. And I wish I could say that I was on the other side of it. That I had made it through and had all this overflowing wisdom to share with you, but I can't. I still feel as if I'm right in the middle of the fog.

But today was a good day. And I'm hoping that each day will get better and things will get easier.

My small group recently started a chronological study of the Bible and it has been really good. It has reminded me that God is patient with me. And that He won't leave me- even when others will. When Adam and Eve hide, God pursued them. When Joseph was in prison and at his darkest, God was there with him. Yesterday, I was re-reading some of Moses's story. The Israelites have left Egypt. God has guided them and protected them. Now He tells them to stop and camp while He lets the Egyptians come after them. He does this because He is a b-a and wants to show the people His glory (That's pretty much a straight quote...). So the Egyptians are chasing them and the Israelites are scared. And then in Exodus 14:14 Moses says the words that stopped me in my tracks. The words that I had to read at least 2 or 3 times...

Now this is not a call to be lazy. This is not an excuse to not act and say that you are just waiting for the Lord to act. But if you know me at all. Hell, if you've ever talked to me for more than 5 minutes, you know that I am kind of a control freak. If I could micromanage every single aspect of my life (and yours too), I would probably do it. The past few weeks months, I have felt as if trying to control things was like grasping at unraveling threads. There was no "try harder" or "do more." My try wasn't hard enough. My do wasn't good enough. More still wasn't working. And reading those words, were as if God was saying to me, "Stop. Just be still." But even more than that, He was saying that being still wasn't giving up. It wasn't surrendering. I still had a piece in the fight. And it was way better than anything that I could bring to the battle on my own. He is fighting for me!

Then today... I had just finished reading some and praying and I turned on Pandora and the first song that came on was Laura Story's I Can Just Be Me. I think I've probably heard it before today, but if I have I can't remember. And so I sat there, listening to the words of the song, and one line into the song and the tears started flowing. It echoed perfectly what God had spoken to me in Exodus 14:14. The need to give up control. The fact that I am in total need of Him every moment of every day. Lord, I need you now to be, be my God so I can just be me!
Listen for yourself...