Silence...

is golden crap! Seriously. It's no fun. And you know what's frustrating? When I read back through old posts and old journal entries and realize that I prayed the exact same prayer in April 2013 that I prayed in January 2011. I could try to say that I have been really faithful and persistent in prayer, but that's not really true. Honestly, I feel like I have gotten an answer about it. And some days I am content with the answer and other times I'm not. So I keep praying about it as if the answer will change. Because I'm a control freak and want to micromanage my own life. So many times I turn my back on God and tell Him that I got it. That I can manage my life better than He can so He can just go handle other things and let me take care of myself. Writing it out makes it sound so bad, but don't we all do that with our actions all the time?

So yesterday I was sitting down with my coffee and reading Jesus Calling and it was about trusting God and just sitting in His presence. Just what I needed to hear. But yesterday was hard. Well, the past few weeks have been hard. And still are. It's definitely still something that I'm working through and trying to deal with. God is going to need to show me and teach me a lot. So thankful for friends that can come alongside me and pray for me and with me. Friends that can encourage me and remind me of God's truths. But it also makes this whole silence thing even harder...

And this post has been all over the place! I had a specific topic in mind with the title of Silence and then veered so far off from that. Oops!

Welcome to Miami

Alternate Title: Miami... Meh

So, I got back from Miami last night and I give it a C-. It was okay. Nothing great. I'm glad I went. Don't ever need to go back. This is probably about 30% because of Miami and 70% because of me.

The traffic there is horrible, which I know is normal for a big city, but my mind goes crazy when I'm in the car! The moment that I step foot into a car, I gaze out the window and zone out in my own world. It usually ends up with me creating crazy scenarios in my mind. The more time I spend in the car, the more time I have for my mind to wander. Ergo, traffic = bad! Also, maybe I should warn guys about this before accepting a first date. "yes, I would love to go out with you. By the way, I don't talk in the car..."

I'm an 80-year-old woman. I like my schedule. It may or may not be a problem. I may have been told (more than once) that I need to seek professional help. But it's just the way I do things. I like to wake up in the morning and have my coffee with cream and one of about 4 options for breakfast. Even when I spend the night at my parent's house, I sometimes want to pack food with me so that I can still stay on my schedule. I like to have time  alone before I face the day. I looked forward to going for a run because it was time to myself, alone with my thoughts, and because it helped me to maintain some semblance of my usual schedule. Crazy, I know!

This was definitely my favorite part of the trip! The beach was great, but when is the beach not great? And as much as I love this picture, nothing about this picture is exclusive to Miami. And it's not the white sand beaches and emerald water of the Gulf. Yes, I am kind of a 30A snob, but I promise to never put a bumper sticker on my car! Anyway, the beach was as wonderful and relaxing as the beach always is, but we only hung out at the beach for one day. So even the best part of the trip wasn't as great as it could have been.

Miami is a party city. It's apparently a lot of fun if you're into that sort of thing. Did I mention that I'm an 80-year-old woman? And that I really like my leash. So going out to clubs and bars and partying... no thank you!

Oh yeah, the concert was fun too...

Oops

Oh hey. Remember me? Let's just pretend like I haven't forgotten about this for the past 4 months! Well, I didn't forget about it. If I had a dictaphone in the car or in the shower with me and someone to transcribe for me, there would be daily posts. But I talk to myself in the shower and come up with super philosophical ideas and then get out and get busy and don't take the time to sit down and write. So here we are. 4 months later...

It seems like it has been a quiet season for everyone. And now all of the sudden, friends have started blogging again and I guess it's time for me to jump on the bandwagon too. I'm not even going to pretend to try and catch up on what's been going on. I don't even remember what the last thing that I wrote about was, but a lot has been going on in the past week or so that I'm going to try to unpack the emotions. Then I'll try to update more...but no guarantees.

> The God of the universe became a man, died, and rose again just to pursue you. Don't let any guy tell you that you're not worth pursuing!

> The past has hit me over and over again recently and it has been nothing like I expected. It had been so much better! Guys, people change. #sweetreminders

> It has been an emotional week. There have been 3 deaths in the past 5 days. Of friends, friends of family, parents of friends. Mostly unexpected. And even if it wasn't, how do you prepare? But God has already conquered death. It is so amazing to see a life lived in complete surrender to Him and to see Him be glorified in both life and death.

> I reread the past few entries. a. My writing is super random and encrypted sometimes and b. reading the posts brought back all the memories from when I first wrote them. So then I awkwardly sat in front of my computer crying for a little while. No big deal.

> I have 15 posts in my draft folder right now. Most of them are a topic with one or two sentences to remind me what I want to write about, but they're there. So maybe I'll actually get better at this...