Day 35: Fears

This is going to be hard to write. The past two days have been filled with some really good, intentional conversations. Conversations about our lives and our struggles and conversations about why we are so afraid to have these conversations in the first place. We talked about why this kind of community isn't happening the way it should and the common answer was fear. We are afraid that other people do have this kind of community and we are just on the outside. We are afraid of judgement. We are afraid that no one else will understand or is going through the same things as us.

So we put up walls. And put on masks. This was me for so long! And still is sometimes. Taking off the mask that has become so comfortable- so second nature- is hard.

We Wear the Mask     Paul Lawrence Dunbar

We wear the mask that grins and lies. It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes.

This debt we pay to human guile; With torn and bleeding hearts, we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be otherwise, in counting all our tears and sighs?

Nay, let them only see us while we wear the mask.

We smile, but, Oh great Christ our cries to Thee from tortured souls arise.

We sing, but oh the clay is vile beneath our feet and long the mile;

But let the world dream otherwise. We wear the mask!

So we don't let people into our lives because we fear that they will judge us or look at us differently. The fear of judgement... That if people knew the real me- the things that I have been through- they would judge me or turn away. But that's only part of it. That's the more accepted part. My other fear: the fear of accountability. That if people know what I'm really going through and really struggling with then they will hold me accountable for those actions and I can no longer walk in sin.

Even as I'm typing this I know how ridiculous it sounds. In my head it doesn't make sense. That's not really what I want. But in my flesh, that is what I want. Sometimes I want the anonymity to do what I want to do. But more than that, I want to be known. And that is what this challenge is all about. Not just about growing in Christ and changing habits. But about letting others into my life- into the hidden parts so that they can hold me accountable and so that I don't have to go through this alone.