Anxiety

I was going to talk about my relaxing Labor Day weekend, but then this came up and I decided to address it first. I had really bad anxiety last week. I've never really dealt with anxiety before. Depression- that's another story. Depression I understand. I know the feeling of the dark cloud hanging over you. A heavy weight pressing down on your shoulders- that I know. Depression is like a distant relative that comes to visit periodically and always overstays its welcome.  But anxiety- I've never really dealt with that. Until last week.

And it sucks! I felt slightly nauseated all week. And a little shaky. It got worse as the week went on. I started to feel as if I were claustrophobic. Like the walls were closing in on me and there was nothing I could do about it.

Friday was the worst. I wanted to listen to music at work, hoping that it would take my mind off things. But I was also worried that the music was going to make me cry. I felt like I was always one step away from the tears flowing. One small thing would push me over the edge. I rounded on patients as fast as I could so that I could hide in my office in case I started to cry or have a panic attack or something. While working, I had to get up from my desk and pace around the office and look out the window multiple times so that it didn't feel like things were so tight! It was like this constant feeling that the other shoe was about to drop. Like the bottom was going to drop out. I didn't even realize that I was holding my breath as I was leaving work until I got to my car and was finally able to exhale.

Driving home from work on Friday, my arms felt heavy. It's a hard thing to describe. It was like they were made of lead and too heavy to lift. But they also felt like jello. It was like I had no control over them. It was pretty scary driving home and not knowing what was going to happen or how long the feeling would last.

But then I got home and took a nap because I was emotionally spent! When I woke up, I felt great! I was relaxed and the weekend was wonderful! Which is great, but that also means that I know what was causing all the anxiety and the triggers aren't going away anytime soon. Ugh! Deep breaths!