Mindfulness

Last weekend at church, we did a mindfulness exercise. You are supposed to envision yourself on a hike with a backpack full of things from the past. The backpack is weighing you down so you stop and rest. You unload everything from your backpack. Then you have to decide what to put back before you continue on your way. It was more elaborate, with more details, than that, but that was the gist of it.

Afterwards, we discussed everything. What the path we were on looked like. The place where we chose to stop and rest. What we took out of our backpack. And what we chose to put back in. How we felt walking the rest of the trail with a lighter pack.

Most everyone said they took rocks out of their packs. Some of the rocks had words. Others were just representations of things from the past. And as they chose what to return to their backpack and continue on the journey with, everyone felt lighter- as if a weight had literally been lifted from them.

Except me. My vision was very different from the others. I was walking along a path, as everyone was, and my backpack was heavy. But when I stopped to rest and unload my bag, I didn't pull on rocks. I pulled out people. Past friendships and relationships and all their baggage as well. I also pulled out objects that represented things from the past or even feelings about hard things. I should have felt a lot better after that. The load should have been much lighter. But as I sat there trying to decide what to leave behind and what to take with me, I was frozen. I knew the things that I needed to leave. There were plenty of things that were dragging me down. But I also didn't know how to leave those things. I felt like they were part of me and I didn't know who I was without them. So instead of packing up and moving forward, I stayed behind. I stayed stuck in the moment of rest trying to decide what I could go forward without and who I would be without those things.

And that's where I feel like I am in life right now. Frozen in time, unable to move forward. I feel as if I'm tethered to a bungee cord. I can only move forward so far. At a certain point, it starts getting harder to move against the tension of the cord. And then it becomes impossible, until eventually it will shoot me backwards and I'll be back where I started. The things is, I have the key to release myself, but I just can't do it. I don't know why. And I do know why all at the same time. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I have been praying through this for a while. The struggles continue and so do the prayers. Join me. Pray for me. Pray with me. Ask me how I'm doing with all this. (I may or may not answer...)

The King and I

And other craziness...

I mentioned that we got season tickets to the Orpheum this year and the first show was The King and I. The show was on Thursday night and I was super excited about it, but already really tired going into the day and knew that it was going to be a long day. Work was really busy and stressful that day and I was running 800 miles a minute by the time I left work- later than I had planned. I picked up Molly from daycare, fed her while I changed clothes and then met them for dinner. Dinner was great and then we headed downtown for the show. It was great. I hadn't seen The King and I before. I knew the basic storyline, but wasn't as familiar with this show as I am with the others this season so that was fun. I also really like our seats. We are in the mezzanine, and right on the aisle so we were able to sneak out quickly at intermission and make it to the bathroom before there was a line. Score! But the show didn't start until 7:30 and it was 3 hours long! I came home and immediately went to bed.

Friday was another crazy day and I had plans that night so Molly went to daycare again. Work was crazy busy again and I was running all over the place and left late again. I was tired. And frustrated. And just wanted to go home and curl up on the couch with a book, but alas, that wasn't an option. I had to go to a friend's birthday party. Confession: I was really tempted to bail, but she made reservations at a restaurant and they charge if the number of people don't show up, so I felt like I was stuck! It was fine when I actually got there. It was just gaining the motivation to go. We started out at a distillery downtown. I have never been before but had heard good things. I wasn't impressed. The views were amazing! But the drink options weren't that great and they close super early. Womp, womp! After drinks, we headed to dinner. Reservations weren't until 8:15 and I was starving by the time we finally sat down. Dinner was good though. There were so many people there so I talked to approximately 4 people that were closest to me at the table (none of them being the birthday girl). Some people went out afterwards, but I was ready for bed! Another night where I came home and went straight to bed... again!

By Saturday, I was spent! Molly woke me up at 5 to go outside so I got up and got her up and then fed her breakfast. Then I curled up on the couch and went back to sleep for a few hours. Molly never usually goes to daycare 2 days in a row so she was pretty wiped out too! She curled up on the couch with me without complaint. I'm pretty sure that I slept off and on all day! I also watched the new season of Fuller House on Netflix! It was a relaxing day. And I needed it after the past week. I was running on empty and don't think that I could have kept it up for much longer!

But I also feel like work has been crazy busy and stressful and I have 7 million things on my to-do list and I needed to be productive on the weekends. But I just couldn't. Ugh!

Okay, rant over.

Sunday Smiles

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And going a little farther, He fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not as I well, that she will."

- Matthew 26:39

All. The. Things.

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. And most of it has been running. Ha!

I signed up with some friends for the Road Race Series. I've done the Off-Road series for a few years now, but have never wanted to commit to the RRS because the races are long and they early. Okay, maybe I'm just lazy. But some friends were signing up and so... peer pressure. Also, I thought it would actually force me to train for the St Jude Half.

There are 2 races at each distance. The 5Ks were in July. I only ran the first one because the second was the day after my birthday and that just wasn't going to happen! There were 2 5-milers in August and the 10Ks are this month. We ran the first one on the 10th and the next one is this Sunday. Again with the laziness... I can tell you that I definitely wouldn't be doing these without friends to encourage me. But I do feel so much better after running! After the first 10K, we decided that we needed to get serious about training. I'm in shape enough to run a 5K, or even 5 miles, without much forethought, but the 10-milers are in October and that may need a little more preparation. So Katie and I decided to run. We met up to run after work one day and it was hot and muggy and hilly and not fun, but I'm glad we did it. Last Friday night was the Cooper Young 4-miler. It's always a lot of fun and this year was no exception. And I actually felt pretty good running it. Although, it also would have been fun to just walk the whole thing and take drinks from people. I'm pretty sure I would have been wasted by the end of the 4 miles. They were people handing out beer and jello shots and vodka-soaked gummy bears and fireball shots and so. much. more. Sheesh! Memphis Made did make a cream ale for after the race called Mile 5 which was pretty light and tasty. Katie and I stayed around after the race to drink some beer and eat some pizza. Then we ended up watching the awards. Man, I feel so slow and out of shape after that! We don't have a chance of getting an award until we're like 60!

The next day was Cooper Young Fest! It's one of my favorites! I woke up and did some things around the house before my mom came over and then we got ready to head down for round 1. Now that Jamie moved back to Michigan, I don't have guaranteed free parking. Womp, womp! But we found a spot pretty close. The festival was fun, as always, but So. Hot! We stayed down for about 2 hours and grabbed some lunch at the Beauty Shop because their guac is my favorite! So, so good. After the first go round, I went back home to cool off and take a nap. Katie picked me up around 3pm for round 2. Still super hot! We headed to Mempops first for a refreshing popsicle- that melted all over my shirt and legs and shoes. I felt like a little kid on a summer day! We ran into a few friends and grabbed a beer to continue cooling off. Then Jennifer met up with us. We walked around some more and drank some more beer before heading to dinner. I stuck with water at dinner and downed quite a few glasses.

Sunday morning, Katie and I had talked about getting a run in. I woke up at my usual time, but kind of hoped that she had forgotten. She hadn't. So I picked her up and headed to the greenline for 6 miles. It was... okay. I don't think we spoke to each other at all other than her saying that we were at 3 miles and it was time to turn around. Otherwise, we were in the zone! I started having some muscle twitching at about mile 4.5. By mile 5, I was hurting around my left knee. Katie started to slow her pace some, but I knew that if I slowed down, I might not make it the last mile so I picked up the pace and just tried to finish. I tried to stretch really well so we'll see how things feel. I ran Tuesday morning and everything felt okay. It wasn't as long though, but hopefully it was just a twinge.

Afterwards, we ran home and showered before church. I made it through church, but then I was struggling to keep my eyes opened. I'm pretty sure I just lied around on the couch napping off and on all afternoon. My whole body was just worn out from going all weekend in the heat! I also realized that I was super dehydrated this weekend! I only went to the bathroom every 12 hours or so from Friday night through Monday morning and I usually go every 2-3 hours. So I should really watch my water-to-beer intake when I'm going to be running and walking around in the heat all weekend. Oops! It was a fun weekend though!

And tonight, we are going to see The King and I. Katie, Brittany, and I got season tickets to the Orpheum this year and the first show is tonight. Should be fun!

Belated 901

First of all, apparently Memphis is the only place that celebrates it's area code. Other cities are really missing out on an excuse to celebrate!

901 Day is a big deal around here though! I was supposed to go to a 901 Day party on September 1, but it got postponed because of rain. (Coincidentally, it stormed hard Thursday night, but the weather was actually pretty nice on Friday). But we Memphians don't just miss an opportunity to celebrate so the 901 Day party was moved to the 8th. So last Friday, my friends and I went out for the celebration, which included a popup tent of all things 901, fun drinks and games, and a ball drop at 9:01 to kick off a glow-in-the dark dance party! Yes, you read that right.

It was a lot of fun. We were all pretty tired after work, so we initially planned on it being an early night. Spoiler alert: plans changed. We went out to Railgarten around 6 and immediately ran into some other friends.

We got something to drink and did a little shopping and got an "Embrace your Inner Memphis" shirt that I think will look really good in Brooklyn... ;)

We eventually decided that we were hungry and grabbed some dinner, another drink, and a table. We sat and listened to some music and did some prime people watching! And of course, ran into many other people that we knew!

At 9, we made our way into the Ping-Pong bar to get decked out with our glow sticks before the dance party started. Once the music started and we started dancing, we knew there was no way we were leaving early. Oops! I also ran into some more people. And 10 days later, I'm still working through my feelings on it, so I'm just going to leave it alone for now. Or just privately journal about it. Blah!

Other than that minor hiccup that had my mind racing more than usual, it was a great day. We danced the night away, which is always a good time and celebrated a glorious 901 day!

Sunday Smiles

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For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.

- Hosea 6:6

First Friday and Other Weekend Shenanigans

This was supposed to be a post about dinner, but September is a busy month so I'm combining some things. I'll just talk about the weekend in general...

Last Thursday, we got heavy rains and winds from Harvey leftovers. The power flashed at my house, but came back within a few minutes. My friend, Katie, wasn't as lucky. The power went off at her house from a neighbor's tree that hit the power line so she and her puppy came and crashed at my house for the night. Molly really like having a playmate! If I didn't want to move into a 400 sq.ft. studio apartment, I might think about getting another dog...

Friday morning, I have been meeting with 3 friends to go through Bonhoeffer's book Life Together. It's about Christian community and it's so good and so challenging! It is causing us to reevaluate our ideas about what community looks like and how we interact and engage with each other. It was a beneficial time, as usual.

Then I went to work... it was rough! I just struggled to make it through the day. After work, I ran home and took a quick nap because I was so emotionally exhausted before meeting some friends at Alchemy for happy hour. I don't remember what I got to drink, but it was pretty tasty. They stayed and hung out, but I peaced to go pick up Molly from daycare and go home and get ready for the evening festivities.

I was talking to some friends a little while ago about all the delicious places that we haven't been to eat. I decided to start monthly dinners so that we could cross some of those places of the list. This month, we went to Bounty on Broad. I told them that since I don't go on dates, I was dressing up for girls night. It is amazing!

The food is incredible and it's all family style so it's not a good date place anyway. We just ordered a bunch of things and passed everything around. Everything I ate was amazing and we left stuffed!

While Bounty was great and a lot of fun, it wasn't very conducive to deep, meaningful conversations. I had a hard week, but it seemed like a lot of friends were struggling this week too so Saturday we decided to have a girls night in. I threw on yoga pants and an oversized shirt before running to Kroger for wine and ice cream. If you're going to have girls night, you might as well do it right! We made dinner and talked about the struggles of the week. We were able to commiserate with and encourage each other. It was a much needed night! We tried to watch a movie that night too, but technology was not on our side so we decided to reschedule...

For the next day! After church we decided to try again for movie night. This time Redbox saved us from technology mishaps and we rented Table 19. It was a cute chick flick- the perfect movie to sit back and laugh and not have to think. We watched the movie, drank fruity beer, and watched the puppies play before heading off to bed.

Monday was Labor Day! A glorious day off of work. Molly and I had a lazy morning around the house before I motivated myself to go for a run. The weather has been great so it was actually a nice run. I even did some speed work! After a cool down walk with Molly, I decided to go ahead and buckle down and do some yardwork. Between the storm and just general foliage, my yard needed it! I think I may have to start using the leaf blower weekly if I want to stay on top of this for fall! After all that, I did a little cleaning inside before getting in the shower, while Molly crashed on the couch! Eventually, I got up and went to the grocery store and ran some other errands to get ready for the (shortened) work week.

It was a great weekend. The perfect mix of fun, relaxing, and productive! I could use more 3-day weekends in my life!

September 11

It seems weird to post a happy post about food and friends on September 11, so I'm putting that off yet again. It's coming though, I promise!

I've been reflecting on things today. The World Trade Center was hit in 2001. That's 16 years ago. It seems so long ago and so recent all at the same time. I was a sophomore in high school. Sitting in Spanish class when it happened. I was about to go to Art when they made an announcement overhead. All my classrooms had the news on all day. I saw all the devastation and the tragedy, but there was still a part of it that seemed far away.

A few months later, I started dating a guy that told me pretty early on that he was planning to join the Marines Corp. Things started to hit a little closer to home. Then March 2003, I went to New York for the first time. We went to ground zero. There were still barricades and construction tape up. There was scaffolding lining the sidewalks that were covered in photos of loved ones lost. It was heartbreaking. The city was bustling around it, but there was a heaviness surrounding this. Seeing it in person definitely brought things even closer. When I went back to New York last September, there was the memorial and the museum. There were plenty of tourists just walking around, but there was also family members searching for specific names. One step closer.

As I get older, I get more reflective. I have friends and family that have fought in Iraq and Afghanistan. I have friends from the Middle East and friends that are living in the Middle East. And now as I contemplate moving to New York, things are even closer to home. Quite literally. It's a solemn day. But also what a reminder that God is bigger than this world! I hope you will use this day as a reminder to pray. Pray for the families that lost loved ones in the tower. Pray for police and fireman and everyone in the Armed Forces that are serving and defending us. Pray for those overseas that are spreading the love of Jesus even for fear of repercussions. Pray for the Christians in the Middle East that they may have an influence on those around them. Pray for the hearts of those that don't know Jesus- that there hearts may be softened and their ears tuned to hear His voice. Pray for your friends and family. Pray for your neighbors. Pray for your enemies. Pray that God's kingdom will indeed come, on Earth as it is in Heaven!

Sunday Smiles

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Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied.

- Matthew 5:3-6

Anxiety

I was going to talk about my relaxing Labor Day weekend, but then this came up and I decided to address it first. I had really bad anxiety last week. I've never really dealt with anxiety before. Depression- that's another story. Depression I understand. I know the feeling of the dark cloud hanging over you. A heavy weight pressing down on your shoulders- that I know. Depression is like a distant relative that comes to visit periodically and always overstays its welcome.  But anxiety- I've never really dealt with that. Until last week.

And it sucks! I felt slightly nauseated all week. And a little shaky. It got worse as the week went on. I started to feel as if I were claustrophobic. Like the walls were closing in on me and there was nothing I could do about it.

Friday was the worst. I wanted to listen to music at work, hoping that it would take my mind off things. But I was also worried that the music was going to make me cry. I felt like I was always one step away from the tears flowing. One small thing would push me over the edge. I rounded on patients as fast as I could so that I could hide in my office in case I started to cry or have a panic attack or something. While working, I had to get up from my desk and pace around the office and look out the window multiple times so that it didn't feel like things were so tight! It was like this constant feeling that the other shoe was about to drop. Like the bottom was going to drop out. I didn't even realize that I was holding my breath as I was leaving work until I got to my car and was finally able to exhale.

Driving home from work on Friday, my arms felt heavy. It's a hard thing to describe. It was like they were made of lead and too heavy to lift. But they also felt like jello. It was like I had no control over them. It was pretty scary driving home and not knowing what was going to happen or how long the feeling would last.

But then I got home and took a nap because I was emotionally spent! When I woke up, I felt great! I was relaxed and the weekend was wonderful! Which is great, but that also means that I know what was causing all the anxiety and the triggers aren't going away anytime soon. Ugh! Deep breaths!

Labor Day

Happy Labor Day! This weekend has been super relaxing and friend-filled, which was exactly what I needed after last week. I'll write more about that later, but for now I'm enjoying the day off and snuggling on the couch with Molly!

Sunday Smiles

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Arise, shine, for your light has come, and glory of the Lord rises upon you.

- Isaiah 60:1